For people with too much money
Invest? Aw, how sweet.
You've got money to spare and want in? We're flattered. Briefly. Then we remembered: we're monsters. Monsters don't eat term sheets.
The green button is a bit shy. Go ahead and try.
The official answer. With arms.
Investor relations
Our key figures. Audited by Lachrolland.
He laughed so hard while auditing that the calculator broke. So here are only the figures you can understand without one.
- ValuationPricelessHonestly, we did the math.
- Burn rate1 forge fireWood from our own forest edge.
- RunwayTo the mailboxAnd back. Daily.
- Hockey sticks2In the basement. For winter.
- Term sheets eaten0Taste like paper. Möh! tried.
- ExitBack door, leftQuietly please, bagmonster is asleep.
- GrowthHealthyLike a well-fed monster.
- Investors on board0 (and it stays that way)As of today. And tomorrow.
Drop off your pitch deck
Feel free to send us your pitch deck.
We print it out, fold it neatly, and build Möh! a cave out of it. He likes living in slides with lots of white space. Page 14 (“Our Team”) usually becomes the roof.
- Preferred formats: anything that folds.
- Page count: doesn't matter. Möh! needs room.
- Hockey-stick curve on page 9: becomes the slide.
Drop your pitch deck here
Or click. Nothing gets uploaded. It gets folded.
- Capital
- Board meetings at 7 am
- Hockey-stick curves in PowerPoint
- People who say “exit” before we're even in
- The word “synergies”
- An advisory board explaining that monsters don't scale
- A foosball table in the office (we have an anvil)
- A town hall meeting (we have no town. And no hall.)
- Ideas. Good, crazy, half-finished.
- Sketches on napkins
- Sentences that start with “Wouldn't it be funny if …”
- Cake (Lachrolland insists)
- People who grin while explaining
Our currency is called inspiration, not euros.
A small phrasebook
Investor-speak, monster-speak.
So we understand each other. Or at least know why we don't.
Just in case: our pitch
Five slides. No monster needs more.
We wondered what a deck would look like if we had one. Here it is. Complete.
Wobbles for real monsters.
The one exception
Are you a monster yourself?
Then let's talk. But first, the entrance exam. Please check honestly, monsters don't lie.
0 of 5. Still human. But it's never too late.
FAQ
From people with term sheets.
What if I have a lot of money?
Then buy tape. A lot of tape. tapemonster.de is open. Always.
Can I still send a pitch deck?
Sure. See above: we print it out and build Möh! a cave. He's happy about every new room.
Seed, Series A, Series B?
We only know seeds for the garden, Series A on TV, and B-movies. We like all three. None of them needs your money.
What's your burn rate?
Our only fire burns in the forge. And we pay for the wood ourselves. Sometimes the neighbor helps.
What's your exit strategy?
The back door. Left. Quietly please, bagmonster is asleep. For ourselves, we don't plan an exit. We live here.
Do you have a board?
Yes, a chalkboard. It says who's bringing cake today. Resolutions are passed by unanimous laughter.
How does this scale?
Healthily. Organically. Like a monster that gets fed regularly and sleeps enough. See bagmonster.
Is there really no exception?
There is one: if you're a monster yourself. Exam above. Horns get checked, cake gets tasted.
And if I simply have a good idea?
Then you're on the wrong page. The right one is Forge ideas. We're genuinely glad to see you there.
0800 – NO THANKS
Not connected. Never will be. Callers hear Lachrolland laughing. For five minutes. Then he hangs up.
An idea instead of an investment?
Then you're in the right place, just on the wrong page. Come on over, the fire's on.
To “Forge ideas”
This page was built without outside capital. With cake.
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For grins and eye-rolls: we serve absurdly amusing stories and gloriously useless stuff you definitely don't need but will probably love. Now and then there's actual news. But fun always comes first.
One channel for all monsters. Lachrolland hosts.